Thursday, October 18, 2007

Bittersweet Memories

It is funny how things can make you happy and sad all at once. C sent me a picture with the simple message of "Someone had he same idea as Bob." A whole flood of memories, regrets, shoulda/coulda thoughts came into my mind as I laughed at the blurry picture.

Suicide is an awful thing. It is final for the one who commits suicide but unending for those who are left behind with memories, regrets, and shoulda/coulda thoughts.

Slowly, though, the regrets and tears are replaced by the bittersweet memories brought about by a simple jack-o-lantern carved in a centerpiece pumpkin with mums planted in it.

Last Thursday would have been Bob's 36th birthday.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Purpose of a Blog

I realize I don't blog as often as I should. Well, maybe should is too strong of a word. How about, I don't blog as often as I would like to.

Sometimes I start an entry only to abandon it after a paragraph or two. Why? I don't know. Sometimes it is because the information in it is too personal and I am just not comfortable with the whole world knowing some things about my life... that being said, I realize my readership is limited to a few family members and they likely know about the stuff anyway. Sometimes it is because it makes no sense to anyone but me. Some entries tend to read like a stream of consiousness exercise from creative writing class with no real focus or punctuaton to speak of and lack of punctuation drives me batty.

So, I guess it comes down to, what is the purpose of my blog? To be honest, I don't know. I wish it were more like my sister's blog. She has a much more interesting life than I have. Or maybe I should focus more onthe cats. No, they don't do much of anything of interest although I wish I had the life of my cats. They're pretty pampered. Maybe I should write about my daily struggle with depression. That tends to go to the too personal side again. Besides, it might make my mother worry too much if I wrote some of the things I think about. (NO, I am not suicidal or homicidal or anything like that.... depression is just dark and I tend to be dark a lot of the time.)

I guess it all boils down to, I want to -- feel a need to -- define how this blog is going to go. I guess in a lot of ways, I need to define my life and how my life is going to go. That whole grown-up thing again. Gee, I really suck at being a grown-up.