Friday, May 23, 2008

The word for today is: CHANGE

This morning I was wasting time taking a break at work reading some blogs. Some I found through links on blogs I read regularly and others were totally random.

It struck me as funny (not haha funny, but ironic/make you think funny) how similar we all are. I read two blogs of bloggers going through miscarriages and it was like reading the same thing twice. I read another blog of someone who is fighting depression... a battle I know all to well. I recognized myself in her words that were meant to be funny and assure the readers of her blog that she's doing fine. I can't count the times I have done just that. I saw through her facade and it made me wonder if others see through mine as easily.

Lately, I've been fighting the depression monster. Yes, I'm medicated. Yes, I'm taking them as prescribed. No, I don't need a new prescription or a dose increase. It is an odd realization that I need and will always need a drug to make Depressed Me into Rational Me -- and hopefully, eventually into what I see as just Me. I can see a difference in Me with and without the medication. I like Me better on the meds than off. I've been on them now 'officially' for about 7 years... regularly for about 3. The first 4 years were more of that war between Depressed Me and the status quo of my life and Rational Me and change.

The dreaded word for me is CHANGE. There's lots of it going on in my life these days and I am trying to handle it, but some days are better than others. Most days, I want to hide under the covers, cuddle with the kitties, and wish the world away. I understand how people become hermits. I so could be one -- well, as long as I have the Internet, anyway. But, I get up, shower, and go to work because the kitties have become accustomed to a certain lifestyle which includes food and litter.

Still, I find myself sabotaging or attempting to sabotage the changes. If I don't pass the next speed test, I can't progress and things won't change, right? Yeah, I didn't think so. If I ignore the changes, they'll go away. No? Well, damn. I don't know how else to describe the war within myself other than Depressed Me is warring with Rational Me. It's like a constant dialogue in my head. (No, I am not hearing voices. It is all me, only me, in my head. Two parts of me is plenty to fill up my head. I don't think there's room for 'someone' else!) DM says over and over that change is bad and we have to do all we can to avoid it. RM knows that the changes are inevitable and will only make life better. RM wins out most of the time. I guess as long as Rational Me keeps winning, changes are going to happen. So, bring 'em on... I'm ready for them, I think.

1 comment:

Carrie said...

I've decided it's not so much that I dislike change--it's that change typically involved packing and THAT I really dislike.

Keep fighting the good fight. I'm here if you need it. :)