Money, money, money...

I know money doesn't buy happiness, but a lack of it surely is depressing.

I've been semi-unemployed for quite a while now. It was originally a choice -- quit my full-time job, cash out the 401(k), and live on the proceeds while I finish school. The money would last about 9 months -- a year if I was really careful. Ah, the best laid plans....

In reality, I didn't pass the test I needed to pass to become a court reporter and the tests are only given twice a year, the money ran out, and the economy sucks. Finding another full-time job has proved quite challenging. At the end of the summer, things looked promising. I went on several job interviews and several second interviews. Unfortunately, I was second choice on all of the positions, so I am still looking and there is really not much out there for an administrative assistant.

I am fortunate that I have the portrait photography to fall back on and I'm doing that part time (in a different, more healthy environment for a different company) and my old job part time. It pays the bills most of the time.

No, I'm not just whining, there is a moral to my pity-fest.

Through it all, I have learned that yes, I really do want to be a court reporter. It's not going as I planned, but the rewards will be so sweet. My perseverance will pay off. I've learned that I have lots of people who are rooting for me (as well as a few who enjoy watching me fail, but I've learned who those people are and have weeded them out of my life). I've realized that God does provide in some pretty amazing ways.

So, nearly a year off from blogging and my life is pretty much the same as it was before. Not what I expected, either. But, I am another year wiser, another year stronger. As an acquaintance of mine is fond of saying... every day above the grass is a blessing.

You know it's time to turn up the heat when...

I am cheap. I don't like to pay the high electric bills that come with the heating bills in the winter. So, last night I was curled up on the couch with my laptop in sweat pants, a t-shirt under a sweatshirt, warm socks and wrapped in a blanket. Buddy was curled next to me. I got up to go to the kitchen to get something warm to drink and this is what I saw...



Poor guy. I checked the thermostat and saw that it was 65 degrees, so I upped the temp a bit.

Yes, there will be life after court reportng school

I'm still frustrated with school and the photo job and the photo job manager and life in general, but school goes on. Thank you to those who said a prayer for me. I feel them and hope you continue to keep me on your prayer lists.

It's a struggle, but this is something I want -- I really want. I'm going to start looking into other options about what to do with the career so I can earn money! This not being *really* employed is nerve wracking and adding to my stress instead of taking it away. An unexpected result, for sure!

But, after much soul searching and whining and tears and venting (thank you, Moma) I am much calmer and have rededicated my efforts to completing school.

As normal with things worthwhile, they are never easy. Two steps forward and one step back -- not only is it a great dance, it's true to life.

Day 21: Long Day at Work

Generally now I only work on Tuesdays and Thursdays at the Hot Dog Place. There was a presentation that needed to be finished and since it is a "short" week next week, it needed to be done by today. So, extra hours, here I come!

But, boy was I tired at the end of the work day.

It did serve to take my mind off of the fact that Maxie was having a dental done. (The reason for the thorough exam on Monday.) For a cat, dentals include being put under -- a scary prospect for any senior cat, even a relatively healthy one.

There were no complications. He now has shiny white teeth. No extractions. That is good. I did end up with one ANGRY kitty, though. The vet techs and vet all refused to get him out of his kennel because any time anyone walked by his kennel, he hunched up, hissed and yowled like a rabid cat. The vet was amazed that I would stick my hand into the kennel with all that ruckus. I couldn't seem to convince any of them to try, though. I assured them he was all talk.

He told me how awful I am for doing that to him all the way home and for about 30 minutes after we got home. Since then, though, he's been curled up asleep.

It's funny how routine life has become and how comfortable that is. I like it.

LIfe... or something like it

Wow. I didn't realize it had been so long since I wrote a post. Life is a little nuts right now and unfortunately, blogging has become the last thing on the to-do list and has just not gotten done.

Let's see, since last we spoke, I've had my sister C for a weekend visit, started the new quarter in school, worked a little, gotten over the cold/allergy thing, and probably more things that I can't think of right off the top of my head. Upcoming events are just as hectic. I will take the written portion of the national court reporting exam, go to Houston for the Women of Faith conference, take the machine portion of the national exam, work a little, go back to work at the photo place for the Christmas season, attempt to qualify for the January machine exam for the Texas state court reporting license... Yep, life is crazy right now.

My weekend with my sister was great and relaxing. I know she was a little disappointed in not getting to see a couple of friends, and honestly, so was I, but we got to spend quite a bit of time just shopping and visiting and just spending time together. I know it's a bit selfish of me, but darn it, a part of me was kind of glad I didn't have to share her. She flew back to Albuquerque early which meant we had to go to the airport at the butt-crack of dawn, but other than that, it was a wonderful few days.

This week, I have to really buckle down and get a bunch of school work done in a short time and prepare for the national written exam. I'm very frustrated about it because I can't seem to find out what is ON the exam. The NCRA website lists the exam as having : reporting (48%), transcript production (44%), operating practices (4%), professional issues and continuing education (4%). I don't think they could be any more vague as to what exactly is going to be on the exam. Oh, wait, I could buy their study guide for a couple hundred dollars. I've talked to others who have and was basically told it is a waste of time and money. Oh, well. I'm pretty sure I have an idea of what to study. If I pass it with a 70, I'll be happy because in the grand scheme of things, if I need to know it, I can look it up when I'm working in the "real world."

So, blog posts may be pretty sparse for a bit, but hopefully, once the craziness that has been October is over, I'll be back to my fun-loving, sarcastic self regaling my 7 readers with tales of singledom and my cats.

Busy, busy week...

It's the last week of school and my written state exam is on Saturday in Austin. I'm nervous, but not overly so. But, because of the test, I'm not going to get weekly winners done for last week. I'm also not going to be able to get many (if any) pictures this week. So, I'm going to cheat a little and show off PJ's little guy and my Miss A and Little B for this upcoming Sunday's Weekly Winners. I promise, I got some really, really cute shots. :)

The visit in Dumas and Amarillo was fun and bittersweet all at once. Friday night, I stayed with Grandmother and Granddaddy B. I had a great visit with them, but also saw how confused and frail Granddaddy B has become. It is heartbreaking to think that the man I've always seen as so strong has become so... old. Grandmother, on the other hand, is feeling better and better with the pacemaker. She said she wants to start walking for exercise even.

Saturday I had breakfast with G&G B and then was off to Dumas to see PJ and A. He is a cutie. It was a good visit with her and her family. It is always surreal to go to her parents' (mom and step-dad) house where I spent so much time as a youngster. The neighborhood looks the same, sort of. The trees are bigger. Her dad and step-mom are still weird and act like I'm an imposition on them. Oh well. I don't have to see them very often.

When A went down for his nap, I headed to Sunray to see G&G B again. Grandmother wanted me to come to the house. She wanted to know the things I wanted from the house. She said things like, "when the house sells..." and "when we move..." which are things she's never said, to me at least. I know she has her hands full with Granddaddy and that the this would come, but it is the bittersweet part of the trip.

Sunday I spent with A&D and their kids. Sis A and I went shopping for an outfit for D's sister's wedding. We found an awesome dress and shoes -- ON SALE. You can't beat that! When Sis A went to handbell practice at church, Miss A and Little B and their daddy and I played at the playground for a while then went to have ice cream. I got to put them (or help put them) to bed. I even got to read Miss A a bedtime story.

Little B and I got to hang out at Gran and Grandaddy C's house while Sis A went to a meeting. We played and played and had a great time. After Miss A got out of school, Sis A, Little B, and I went to pick out Little B's Lighting McQueen cake for his third birthday. Then we went back to Gran and Grandaddy's and shortly thereafter I had to leave to come back home. The trip home was uneventful. I didn't have any unplanned stops this time. (It had been YEARS since my last 'unplanned stop' by the way.)

I so want to move back up that direction. I miss everyone and wish I cold spend more time with them -- especially the grandparents. Well, I guess the test this Saturday is one more step in that direction.

Road Trip!

I made it safely to Amarillo. I didn't expect otherwise, honestly.

There were a couple of planned stops and one very unplanned stop. It was one that involved flashing red lights and ended with a grumpy local sheriff telling me to "slow it down." *sigh* I hate it when that happens. I was going above the posted speed limit -- not flying by any means, but above 70. Evidently, Maxie didn't like the interruption in the trip because he hissed at the cop. I was trying not to giggle about it. I figured it might be bad to bust out laughing as the cop was writing me a ticket.

G&G B were at Uncle J's so I got to visit with them last night and again this morning. Later this morning, I'll be heading to Big D to meet up with PJ and her mom and Little A. I will come bearing gifts for the little guy, of course, like any good aunt should!

I will also have my camera, so this week's Weekly Winners won't just be the cats! Aren't y'all excited?

On the road again...

I'm off to Amarillo! I'm so excited to get to meet PJ's little guy that I had trouble sleeping last night.

Oh, okay, so not sleeping had little or nothing to do with my drive today, but it sounds better than I just am not sleeping much these days because I've got insomnia again. I got a good four and a half or five hours last night, so I'm not going to complain too much. It's better than the two and a half I got the night before!

Anyway, the cats and I are off. Hopefully, I'll see happy kitty faces or sleeping kitty faces in the rear view mirror and not have a car sick kitty in Maxie. Here's hoping!

I have a life?

I have never actually needed a calendar before now. I mean, in general, for the past several years, my schedule has been M-F Work from 8-4:30, M,W,Th school 6:00-10:00, S&S Work at Photo Job. If I did anything out of that routine, it was so exciting (and rare) that I wasn't about to forget it.

Over the past few weeks, I've realized that I've got several things going on in my life and need to remember them. Let's see, I've got three test dates to remember in the next couple of months. Don't want to schedule anything on top of those! PJ and Little A are going to be in the Panhandle for ten days this month and I'm going to go see them. (While I'm there, I'm sure I'll see the grandparents and Miss A and Little B and their parents.) My sister will be here (maybe) in October. Fun stuff!!

You see? I mean, this is more than has gone on in my life for a long time! My calendar was from 2004... no kidding. I found a lovely (and free) template for a calendar and printed off the months I need and now, like most households, I have a calendar stuck to my fridge with my upcoming events marked on it.

In other news... can I just say finding health insurance is a total pain in the hiney? I knew leaving my job would also include leaving group health insurance, but I'd looked at different companies and policies online and done quite a bit of research, so I knew it would be expensive, but I figured it wouldn't be too bad.

What I failed to take into account was the fact that health insurance companies are evil. They can and will "uprate" you for having a hangnail anytime in the past 5 years. Heaven forbid you actually have any kind of health thing. I found out that because I have been diagnosed with depression I can't get mental health coverage. That didn't surprise me, to be honest. What totally ticked me off, though was the fact that the one company that would insure me uprated me for it -- didn't cover it, but charged me more.

I was also uprated for having seasonal allergies. I'd dare to guess that maybe 75% of the people in the U.S. have some sort of seasonal allergies and take something for it, yet, it was another excuse for the insurance company to uprate me. The policy was originally quoted to me for about $155 a month. By the time I got uprated for everything, it was going to cost me $245 a month and I would have a $750 deductible for prescriptions and a $3500 deductible for health/doctor's visits.

Thank goodness for COBRA insurance. I will actually pay more to keep the insurance through my job, but it is better insurance and I can get coverage for my hangnail!

Eh, I was bored....

The Universe is Laughing at Me

I have been complaining about feeling old lately. The reading glasses thing for some reason bothered me and I'm feeling old.

So yesterday morning, I stumble to the bathroom (I'm so not a morning person) bleary eyed and yawning and look in the mirror. To my horror, I have not one but two big zits on my nose... so much for old.

So, if you want to complain about being old and feeling old, be careful what you ask for because the Universe just may zap your nose, too!

To Me...

Yesterday, I went to lunch at a local fast food restaurant. As I was walking in, a young gentleman was pushing a loaded trash can out the door. I stopped and held the door for him and then opened the outside door and held it. As he passed me, I noticed that he has Down's Syndrome. We made eye contact and he said, "Thank you for being nice to me."

Now, I would have held the door for anyone who was coming out of the restaurant. It wasn't something I did special for just him. That's just the kind of gal I am. And, him thanking me really came as no surprise. Actually, if he had just said, "thank you for being nice," I wouldn't have thought anything of it, but he added those two little words at the end that caused a catch in my throat -- "to me."

It made me stop and think how many people hadn't been nice to him, or judged his abilities simply upon first appearances. Heck, how many times have I done it to others? He was very articulate, polite, and obviously a hard worker. As I sat at the booth and ate my lunch, he stopped by and chatted for a second. It was nothing obtrusive -- asked if I needed any dipping sauces or ketchup or maybe a refill. He did the same thing at other tables, too.

As I was leaving, he came over to the door and held it for me. He said he wanted to return the nice. That made me smile. After Wednesday's horible experience with so-called customer service at Bank of America, I needed someone to return a little nice and renew my faith in the world even just a little bit. It also made me all the more aware of how my actions can affect others and it reminded me how something as simple as a friendly smile or someone holding a door for someone else can brighten someone's day or even her week.

Oh, and on another note: Something else made my day and week that much easier. My bank, Capital One, released a portion of the money into my account for use. Yep, it is a huge relief and help to me. It may be a general practice or it may have been just for me because I told them my situation, either way, it is good customer service. I just wanted to put that little shout out for Capital One because sometimes good service should be rewarded with a good word on the Internet.

Also, I've decided not to send the e-mail to Bank of America. As my sister, A, pointed out, it won't do any good. I wrote it and it was theraputic. I also told all 7 of my readers what a lousy bank they are and that probably did as much or more as an e-mail to an Administrative Assistant would have done. I may still call them, but I doubt it. Why waste my time and energy on a futile cause?

So, this is how the other half lives...

Day three of unemployment (that is only scheduled to last for a week) and full-time school. It's crazy to not have to get up and GO to work. I am still trying to get up on time (around 7:30) and clean up and get ready for the day and then start school. So far, so good. I think this is going to work well. I feel good about it and my ability to progress in school.

Today, though, I needed to run an errand and did it at about 2:00. It was so nice to be able to just go like a SAHM would and not have to worry about getting there before they closed (not that I am in any way comparing myself to a stay at home mom by way of the work they do, just that I also am at home during normal work hours) only without the kids in tow.

Still, all the best laid plans have fallen aside. I was going to get up, get dressed, work on school stuff, clean my house, excercise... well, unfortunately, I've fallen victim to the siren call that is afternoon television. I do my get dressed/school routine of a morning, but by afternoon, I need a break and the couch/remote combo calls to me like the sirens did sailors.

"Come, waste time here... who needs a clean house...." Oddly enough one of the shows I've "discovered" is on BBC America and is called How Clean is Your House? These two shrill-voiced British women go into these houses that should be condemned for being so filthy (all of which make my house seem clean by comparison) and teach the hoarders and filthy housed people to clean their houses and (along with the people who live there and a team of cleaners) clean and organize the house. Still, by comparison, my house doesn't look so bad.

I've also fallen victim to the computer... it is amazing how much time I can waste reading blogs, doing random Google searches, etc. All of which have nothing to do with my goal of a clean house or buns of steel.

Ah, well, my week-long unemployment ends next week. I am planning to go in and work all day Tuesday and Thursday and if necessary half a day another day of the week. For now, just Tuesday and Thursday. I have discovered that I will need to get up, get dressed and go to the library or some other such place to practice.

As for school. I have created a list of goals and I am going to print a small one to put on my machine and another to put on my bathroom mirror. Supposedly, by writing them out, posting them where I practice and in the bathroom and reading them to myself, it will help me to achieve them more quickly. Here's hoping!

Oh, and the cats have just about quit staring at me like I'm interrupting their day by being here. Now, they just ignore me.

And I really want to go back?

I came home from the Panhandle with a yucky surprise... allergies or maybe a cold. I guess some crop must have been doing something (likely corn) and on Monday morning I woke up with a sore throat, stuffy ears and an alternately runny/stuffy nose. Oh yeah. I just keep thinking... and I really want to move back to that? Well, yes, actually I do, but I just don't look forward to that part of it. I'm much better by today. It's amazing what Allegra and ibuprofen can do for you.

In other news: Officially I have only 2 days after today at my job. Boss is at the Home Office this week, traveling next week, and on vacation the week after. Since I'm being re-hired to work part time, it is kind-of anticlimactic. I sent a sneaky e-mail yesterday letting everyone know that my "replacement" had been found and that she's wonderful and helpful and that they would notice little to no change other than "she" would only be at the office part time.

I will have to now quit the photo job. I'm a little sad about that, but it came down to economics -- $14.50 an hour or $9.00 an hour -- and having Saturday and Sunday off. Mainly, I wanted to have Sunday off. I miss going to church... I miss the fellowship of being part of a church family.

Anyway, I'm excited. This change is going to be for the best and it isn't REALLY that huge of a change (or so I keep telling myself). I will have the time and most importantly the energy to devote to school and can speed up my progress considerably because I will not be exhausted and brain dead when I "go" to school. I am so looking forward to being able to practice and build speed and getting out of school.

An Unexpected/Expected Trip to the Panhandle

I got a sad phone call on Wednesday letting me know that Granny had passed away. She had emphysema and was diagnosed with an aeortic aneurism several months ago. She died peacefully at home. I'm sad, of course, but I am also relieved for her. She was ready to go. She was tired. She went peacefully which is all anyone can really hope for, I think.

So, after giving notice of my resignation on Monday, I took Thursday and Friday off to get ready to come/come to Amarillo for the funeral. I don't know what Boss thought about it. I don't really care, to be honest. I was coming to this funeral. I wasn't especially close to Granny, family dynamics being as they were, but I did love her and more importantly, I love my dad and wanted to be here for him. Funerals aren't for the deceased anyway, they are for those left behind.

So, tomorrow I put on my funeral dress and go be there for my daddy. I will do my very best not to get irritated at anyone or irritate anyone. Still, I'm taking my car to the little town where the funeral is being held so I can come home when I need to. The cats (yes, I brought them, too -- that is a whole other post, though) may be my excuse to leave. We'll see. I may have to adopt the philosophy of Paula Dean's son... "I love you, I'm not above you, but I've had enough of you. Goodbye."

Ch-ch-ch-changes...

I have been struggling to juggle school and two jobs for quite a while now. The further I've gotten in school and the closer to qualifying for the state CSR exam, the more stressful and frustrating it has become.

Since December, I've been biding my time waiting for Boss to close the office and lay me off... waiting for a severence package to hopefully carry me through until I finished school. It all came to a dramatic and teary peak last Friday. Boss told me that the office isn't closing, and my job will remain as a part time position. By my job remaining, I'm not eligible for severence or unemployment benefits but, and here's the kicker, I can't afford to stay on a part-time basis.

So, you may wonder how I'm going to swing it without a job? I'm going to "invest" my 401(k) into me. It's not making me any money in this economy, but if I cash it out (and yes, I know it's 20% in taxes and a 10% penalty for early withdrawl) and use it to live on for the next 4-5 months, I should be okay. I figure it will at least then be earning me money in the long run when I finish school because I'll be able to afford to rebuild it and build on it. Besides, it's not like I'm going to go buy a boat with the money!

There is a CSR exam being given in September. I figure if I quit my job now and really concentrate on qualifying to take the exam for the three weeks between the end of my job and the qualify-by date in mid August and then really hit it hard for the September 27 exam, I'm sure to pass. If I don't (a) qualify or (b) pass the exam, there is another one being given in January, and I will pass that one.

So, the girl who despises change of any kind and will hold on to the status quo until her fingers fall off is jumping into change with both feet and no net. I'm truly terrified. I'm also excited. I guess you could say I'm terri-cited! Nah, don't say that. It sounds silly.

Stress? What stress?

How many people want to not have to go to work at their current job ever again? I see most people out there nodding in agreement. I figured I would get quite a few who would see themselves in that question.

Now try these on for size: How many people's bosses mentioned in December during their annual review that their office *might* be closing at the end of the fiscal year? How many people's bosses have yet to mention it again, yet the company's Henchman is calling the office returning Boss' calls? How many people have a boss that says things today like "if you hear from {insert leasing company name here} let me know because I need to see if they're going to leave the rent the same." leading me to believe he's now NOT planning to close the office?

Oh, just me?

Add to all of that the fact that I need to be qualified for the machine portion of the state CSR (Certified Shorthand Reporter) exam by the middle of August that is going to be given at the end of September and it's getting pretty darn close to the middle of July! The online school has also added hours to the weekly requirements and the instructor has taken away some of the "cheater" hours we used to have and isn't giving us as much hourly credit for other things. The result of those two things is I have to come up with an extra 5-6 hours a week in my already too tight schedule. No pressure there.

It is really odd to consider the fact that I really WANT/NEED Boss to close the office and lay me off. To be honest, it makes financial sense for the company to do so. With the changes that they've made in recent months, this entire fiscal year, really, my job is no longer actually necessary because the sales reps can either do the presentations/research by themselves or just call the Marketing Department to do it for them since there is a whole section of people there to do it for them. I'm redundent as it stands now. I even already have a plan as to how I would spend my day being "unemployed." Now I just need Boss to pull the trigger and fire me already (but give me a good severence package) so I can get it all done.

In the mean time, my schedule looks something like this on weekdays:

• 6:30 a.m. Get up and start my day
• 7:30 a.m. Leave for work
• 8:00 a.m. Arrive at work and start to "look busy"
• 10:30 a.m. Finish actual work I need to get done for the day (sometimes the week)
• 11:30 a.m. Go to my 30 minute lunch
• 12:30 p.m. Return from my 30 minute lunch to continue to look busy and hope that there's something for me to do all afternoon.
• 4:30 p.m. Leave for home
• 5:00 p.m. Arrive home to relax/clean/feed the cats/do laundry/take care of anything that needs to be done before I "go" to school
• 5:30 p.m. Start school (this used to be at 6:00, but I had to move it up 30 minutes because of the additional hour a day requirement)
• 10:00 p.m. Stop and "come home" from school and finish relaxing/cleaning/feed the cats again/doing laundry/taking care of anything I didn't get done before school (this used to be 9:30 until the additional hours requirement)
• Somewhere between 11:00p.m. and 1:00 a.m., I generally go to bed and hopefully go to sleep.

My weekend schedule:
Sat:

• 9:00 a.m. Get up
• 9:30 a.m. Leave for work at Photo Job
• 10:00 a.m. Arrive at Photo Job and prepare myself to 'act a fool' all day in order to make small children smile and capture the essence of said children
• Somewhere between 1:00 p.m. and 6:30 p.m. I get off of work. If I get off early enough, I go home and take a sweet, sweet nap. If it is after around 3:00, I go home and "go" to school again to make up for any hours I missed during the week and to complete my Saturday hours.
• Between 10:30 and 11:00, I go to bed

Sun:

• 9:00 a.m. Get up, try to do a Bible Study of some sort
• 10:00 a.m. Get ready for Photo Job
• 10:30 a.m. Leave for Photo Job
• 11:00 a.m. Arrive at Photo Job and prepare myself to 'act a fool' all day in order to make small children smile and capture the essence of said children
  Somewhere between 1:00 p.m. and 7:30 p.m. I get off of work, go home and finish up any missing school hours and get weekly log turned in
• Fall into bed... nay, collapse into bed and get ready to start the whole thing over again.

(Oh, and if you're wondering what generally falls through the cracks and doesn't get done. It's cleaning. My house isn't DIRTY per se, but clutter.... that is another story.)

Wow, if you made it this far through this whine, I'm impressed. Okay. I've got to go look busy again.

Like Hewey Lewis...All I want is a couple days off!

Two whole ddays off. Yep, I had two whole days off. I thought I worked on Sunday so I got up and got dressed and then (thankfully before I drove 25 minutes there) got a phone call from a co-worker asking me to work for her. I wasn't on the schedule, so I agreed. I mean, seriously, I was already up and around, why not? Before I left, though, the assistant manager called and said since we weren't busy, there was not a real need for me to come in... I then planted my butt on the couch and stayed there the rest of the day.

Then, of course since Monday was Memorial Day (observed), I had the day off. I had big plans to do Spring Cleaning at my house. Yeah, didn't happen. I did get the kitchen cleaned, though. The rest of the house has a "lived in" look still. Maybe tonight I'll get the rest of the cleaning done.

It is amazing what a couple of days off to rest and relax will do for you. I feel like a human being again. I mean, I feel rested and relaxed and not stressed to the point of wanting to pull my hair out. So, this is what sleeping does for a person.... hmmm. I may have to try it more often!

The word for today is: CHANGE

This morning I was wasting time taking a break at work reading some blogs. Some I found through links on blogs I read regularly and others were totally random.

It struck me as funny (not haha funny, but ironic/make you think funny) how similar we all are. I read two blogs of bloggers going through miscarriages and it was like reading the same thing twice. I read another blog of someone who is fighting depression... a battle I know all to well. I recognized myself in her words that were meant to be funny and assure the readers of her blog that she's doing fine. I can't count the times I have done just that. I saw through her facade and it made me wonder if others see through mine as easily.

Lately, I've been fighting the depression monster. Yes, I'm medicated. Yes, I'm taking them as prescribed. No, I don't need a new prescription or a dose increase. It is an odd realization that I need and will always need a drug to make Depressed Me into Rational Me -- and hopefully, eventually into what I see as just Me. I can see a difference in Me with and without the medication. I like Me better on the meds than off. I've been on them now 'officially' for about 7 years... regularly for about 3. The first 4 years were more of that war between Depressed Me and the status quo of my life and Rational Me and change.

The dreaded word for me is CHANGE. There's lots of it going on in my life these days and I am trying to handle it, but some days are better than others. Most days, I want to hide under the covers, cuddle with the kitties, and wish the world away. I understand how people become hermits. I so could be one -- well, as long as I have the Internet, anyway. But, I get up, shower, and go to work because the kitties have become accustomed to a certain lifestyle which includes food and litter.

Still, I find myself sabotaging or attempting to sabotage the changes. If I don't pass the next speed test, I can't progress and things won't change, right? Yeah, I didn't think so. If I ignore the changes, they'll go away. No? Well, damn. I don't know how else to describe the war within myself other than Depressed Me is warring with Rational Me. It's like a constant dialogue in my head. (No, I am not hearing voices. It is all me, only me, in my head. Two parts of me is plenty to fill up my head. I don't think there's room for 'someone' else!) DM says over and over that change is bad and we have to do all we can to avoid it. RM knows that the changes are inevitable and will only make life better. RM wins out most of the time. I guess as long as Rational Me keeps winning, changes are going to happen. So, bring 'em on... I'm ready for them, I think.

April Showers...

For the second, or is it third, week in a row, we're having lovely springtime thunderstorms in North Texas. Hail and heavy rain with the threat of tornadic activity makes me very, very nervous. Basically, I pace. (You know, if I were really productive I'd get on the Air Walker and get my 10,000 steps in.)

The good news is, it looks like the worst of the storm is going to pass me by... whew! Just lots of wind and rain my way, but no hail or anything like that.